And I Live Again…
May 4th, 2023
I’ve waited years for this moment. and I couldn’t even tell you why. how.
I think I’ve always wanted to be god. I didn’t know it when I was younger, but I was always craving the knowing. the deepness of self. The Truth. I thank god that I am god and that i Know, now. I always knew and that's why i searched. I knew there was something to look for, and so I looked. I looked and looked and looked. and eventually I came upon this shore I sit upon now. and I wave hello to all the versions of me who have ever gazed in this direction, searching. They knew I existed and that’s why they came.
I believe in the love that I am. I believe in the love that grew me. not my parents. my own body and soul. each individual cell. all the breathing. all the calling (especially the ones that went on living, without a response, for so long - until now).
I know who I am. and I have always known. all those versions of me who were unsure. Who knew EYE existed. who held on desperately for the hope of relief and truth and god. Everything they told me was already here but I knew it wasn’t because EYE wasn’t.
I always wrote. As a child I wrote of fantasies, of stories, of people. People I believed I could be, people I wanted to be around, stories I could escape in. Mystery and compulsion. Something inviting and intriguing. I wished for a life outside of my own. Or rather, a life filled with something better. All I had known was ‘not quite good enough’. not quite right. not quite filled. not quite love. i weep for them. i want better for them. though, i must admit, i do not wish better for them, not entirely at least. for EYE would not exist without All of it, in its entirety. It is all of me and I do not exist without it.
For me, though now, I do. I desire, I conjure, I create better. I am better. I am the compilation of all that Is, and wholeheartedly, strongly wish for the life of my dreams. I am power. I am all. I am god. As i say it is, it shall be and I will never question it not even for a second. Thank god I am god.
When my heart broke - as it currently is - i wanted nothing. i clung to the idea that i could find them again. that my home wasn’t lost. that i wasn’t lost. that that part of me that was uncovered, earth brushed off with gentle brush in hand, still lived. and i would find them again. not me, them, and me too. i found myself in them and i don’t want that person to die. that person was them and it was me, like a fusion but not quite exactly that. we were birthed together. at least, that’s how it felt to me. i can’t be sure they ever cared about me. i can’t be sure it was ever real for them. and in a way, it doesn’t matter. i know what i feel and I’m tired of doubting. I’m tired of running but in truth, it is the only thing that feels safe. I broke my own heart, too, by staying with them. and I broke it even more to leave them. Everything Hurt. Everything Broke. Everything Is Broken.
If I were really honest
I could say that I miss them.
If I were really truthful
I could hold them again.
I could sit there on my floor and look them in the eye and hold them.
Not with my hands
Not with my body
Not even with my heart
Not even with my eyes
Just hold them
and we would sit there, few feet apart, the distance a part of the love,
and see.
If I would take a few steps back, suck in a few of those tears, I’d see that I’m doing a really good job. I’d see that I’m perfect. I’d see me. I wouldn’t want for better, I couldn’t want for worse. I couldn’t dream of death, or the life I don’t live. shame would not exist here and maybe i wouldn’t cry so much for everything i miss. does my inner child miss me? do they wish they could express more of the love and gratitude and amazement they have for me, my life? Am I selfish for taking up too much space with all the things that don’t belong?
Why build shame where Pride would rather live?
How can I make space for my gifts to shine?
JNEM
